Thursday, July 16, 2009

Day 11

Sorry I have been MIA. Its been busy taking care of my wounded princess and a teething-crawling monkey. We have been hanging in there, even if only by a thread. I have to admit, it has been difficult. Peanut loves and misses her daddy very much, especially now that she is hurt. She always used to go to him and cry for him when she's in pain or just not feeling well. Thankfully there wasn't too much crying for daddy. Mommy proved to be just as good I guess. We will find out on Friday the status of her arm. Our fingers are crossed the bones will stay in place and rods are not needed.

A few things that have been floating through my head. Sorry if this seems random, but I need to air out my brain. Is it bad to want to not think about him? When I think of him, my heart aches, the tears well up in my eyes and my breathing becomes heavier. Its like instant depression. I do also get great joy, especially when he sends me a quick snapshot of what's going on at that very moment, like wearing his gas mask. I also can't help but be somewhat jealous of him. He is and will continue to be so busy, that we are something to think about before bed, or while eating chow. I on the other hand, cannot stop thinking about him. His girls remind me of him in so many ways. Places I go, food I eat, pictures on the wall, laundry in the hamper. It all reminds me of him. I must admit, I hate it. My life is like a constant reminder of what I can't have right now. Its not like we had this perfect fairy tale life either, but it was our life, and we were together. I know I am having these feeling because its one of the emotional stages of deployment (more on that next post). So I am not blaming anyone, this is just what I am feeling. I almost wish I could all the memories and freeze them, put them in the back of my mind for when I need or want them. Not right there whenever I see a sock and remember how he used to complain about socks missing. Well that's my ramble for now... I must try and sleep, for tomorrow will be a new day, one to make new memories with caring people. And hopefully weather will be nice enough to let my fellow army wife and her army brat enjoy our day with smiles on our face, Lord knows we need it.

I must confess... I cannot bring myself to watch anymore episodes of Army Wives. That is my all time fave show. And yes, hubby would watch it with me. He actually bought me the first season on DVD so he could catch up with me! So it was something we did together. Now I feel almost like I would be cheating on him if I watched it. Sad huh?

1 comment:

  1. It's not bad to not want to think of him. I think it's a natural instinct to want to block out anything that may cause pain. I know you'll get through this though. You're one strong momma!

    My mum leaves tomorrow morning for VT so if you need a late night walk I'm game if you are (and if the weather cooperates!).