Day 22- Its been awhile!

Wow, so what's it been? Like a week? So that means hubby has been gone almost 3 weeks. I miss him dearly. Without the help of my wonderful family and friends, this wouldn't be as easy as it has been. Don't get my wrong, there have been many many tears and a few nights that I hate the Army, but all in all we have been doing ok. Hubby tells me now that very soon, we won't be able to chat or text until the day before his pass (about 3 weeks from now). We don't talk every day, in fact today consisted of ONE text message that said "cool" because of something I had told him about our American Legion. I am here visiting a friends house for the next couple days, she's a fellow army wife with a lil girl and baby on the way. Its nice to be able to talk to someone who knows exactly what I am going through. Although it makes me sad and a tid bit jealous, her hubby calls almost everyday, whereas mine is about every 3, and he talk for more then 2 minutes. I understand hubbys job is different, and there are other circumstances, but if no phone call, a text would be nice.

The girls have been doing well. Growing up, learning, and becoming a little more grown up each day. Peanut hasn't cried for daddy as much, but don't get me wrong, its still every other day. Monkey has 2 little teeth and I fear more are coming! She wants to walk super bad!! She pushes things across the floor and walks around like that, sooo cute!! Peanut is doing well, she gets her gortex water-proof cast in about 2 weeks. Thank God!!!

Well I am off to enjoy some grown up tv. Will get back in routine soon!!

Day 11

Sorry I have been MIA. Its been busy taking care of my wounded princess and a teething-crawling monkey. We have been hanging in there, even if only by a thread. I have to admit, it has been difficult. Peanut loves and misses her daddy very much, especially now that she is hurt. She always used to go to him and cry for him when she's in pain or just not feeling well. Thankfully there wasn't too much crying for daddy. Mommy proved to be just as good I guess. We will find out on Friday the status of her arm. Our fingers are crossed the bones will stay in place and rods are not needed.

A few things that have been floating through my head. Sorry if this seems random, but I need to air out my brain. Is it bad to want to not think about him? When I think of him, my heart aches, the tears well up in my eyes and my breathing becomes heavier. Its like instant depression. I do also get great joy, especially when he sends me a quick snapshot of what's going on at that very moment, like wearing his gas mask. I also can't help but be somewhat jealous of him. He is and will continue to be so busy, that we are something to think about before bed, or while eating chow. I on the other hand, cannot stop thinking about him. His girls remind me of him in so many ways. Places I go, food I eat, pictures on the wall, laundry in the hamper. It all reminds me of him. I must admit, I hate it. My life is like a constant reminder of what I can't have right now. Its not like we had this perfect fairy tale life either, but it was our life, and we were together. I know I am having these feeling because its one of the emotional stages of deployment (more on that next post). So I am not blaming anyone, this is just what I am feeling. I almost wish I could all the memories and freeze them, put them in the back of my mind for when I need or want them. Not right there whenever I see a sock and remember how he used to complain about socks missing. Well that's my ramble for now... I must try and sleep, for tomorrow will be a new day, one to make new memories with caring people. And hopefully weather will be nice enough to let my fellow army wife and her army brat enjoy our day with smiles on our face, Lord knows we need it.

I must confess... I cannot bring myself to watch anymore episodes of Army Wives. That is my all time fave show. And yes, hubby would watch it with me. He actually bought me the first season on DVD so he could catch up with me! So it was something we did together. Now I feel almost like I would be cheating on him if I watched it. Sad huh?

Day 8- & Day 9- Peanuts accident

Wow! What a doozy the past few days have been!! Only a few minutes after ending my last blog entry (Monkey eating the leaf) was when Peanuts accident occured. She was going down the slide and somehow fell off the side. She said "Mommy watch me!", and the next thing I kno I turn my head to look and shes on the ground. At first I'm like, OK she fell, shes prob fine. I say "Peanut are you ok??!!" and I rush to get up to her. She says "Mommy I hurt myself." And starts to cry a bit. As I get closer I see the damage. Shes broken her arm!!! All these emotions come flooding to me! I FREAK. I run in the house and scream for my dad, grab my diaper bag and keys and fly to my car. I frantically call hubby's mom (who gets to my house in a record two min flat!) and I call hubby and leave him a frantic voicemail. I am pretty much hyperventilating. I could barely breathe. Then I gain my composure and hubbys mom comes and gets me and Peanut and we rush off to the ER. Monkey stays home with my dad and my SIL. We get to the ER and go to check in, now MIL has been through this all before with my SIL a few times, she knows the routine and this def looked like a bad break!) I tell the guy my four year old has broken her arm, and he says "Oh, so she has arm pain." I'm like "NO! You can visably see its broken!" He's like " Have a seat and we will get to you". It took about 15 or more minutes for them to call her to be assessed and get our info. I was pissed. Shes 4 and shes in pain!! Soon enough they called us into xray and then into a room. We get the reults back, and yes, its a very bad break. Thankfully not near the growth plate. BUT unfortunatly shes so young and so small, that the ortho docs at my hospital won't touch her. So we were transferred by ambulance to Childrens Hospital Boston. We sat around in a room there for awhile, and they told me they were going to do more xrays to see if anything else was broken, and they would sedate her and try to get in place as best as they could, but she might need rods. I was soo upset, I felt soo bad for her!! She was such a trooper, such a big girl. So they gave her more morpheine and did the xrays. We were transferred to the procedure room and they gave her the medicine to put her to sleep. That was one of the hardest things I have been through as a parent. I wasnt allowed in the room while they were setting her arm, but thats ok because I probably wouldnt have been able to stand it. It was hard enough thinking about it, never mind seeing it. After about an hour she came to, but didnt really awaken, because it was around 3am. We were all soo tired. My dad came out to the hospital so I wouldnt be alone and we could have a ride home. We were discharged around 4am. So all in all we were at a hoapital from around 7pm till 4am. It was a very long night.

Peanut feeling a bit better thanks to her friend T3. Proudly showing off her daddy doll!!!

This is her bone with the cast on after they set it. Doesnt look too great but its straight. We will see how it looks soon!

To be continued.....

Day 7- The Nightmare

~Sometime in the Morning

I had a good night sleep last night, well kinda. Monkey slept in till 0630 and ate a bottle and went back to bed. But I had a nightmare. Its prob my first of many. It was so vivid, like I could feel his cold skin when I was touching his lifeless arm. They always say you won't get a middle of the night phone call about something bad, but in this dream it was bad news. He was being flown to a hospital in Germany and that I should get there as soon a possible bc he may not make it through the night. I prayed and prayed he would survive the night so I could at least say my final good bye. I arrived in at the hospital in Germany not a moment too soon. I held his hand and kissed his cheek. I told him that I loved him and that it was ok to let go. His girls love him and his country is proud of him. I felt his hand lightly squeeze mine as if to say I love you, and he was gone... Like I said it was so real I am crying about it now. I won't get into details but I have had bad dreams become reality, one possibly saved my family from a shark attack in FL when I was little. Now all thanks to Walmart not having service inside, I cannot talk to him until tomorrow. Its soooo upsetting. Makes me want to stay home for the rest of deployment so I don't have to worry about having no service. That's what they did before cell phones right?

Sometime in the evening before 5pm.

I had a small moment of joy this evening. I was taking the girls for a jog and we decided to stop at the park. I put both kiddos in the "baby" swings as we call them and was happily pushing them both. When suddenly I realized, this is the same spot where hubby asked me out, and we shared our first kiss, and spent many countless nights talking for hours. I stand there and look at my beautiful girls and realize how far we have come, both as a couple and as a family. Joe and I have had many rough patches, some I honestly didn't think we'd make it through. But here I was with our two happy children and I am more in love with him then ever before, even though he is not here in person, he will always be with us in spirit. I am posting the two pics I took of them and hope he reads this and it puts a smile on his face.

I must confess... I have started a diet. Omg! Yes me! I need to lose at least 20 lbs... Hopefully before Aug 13, but I will settle for 10 buy that date. When he comes home on pass and we get family portraits done, I want to be proud of them, not hide them in a box. I am attempting the special K diet. And adding in more exercise then ever before. Eating a lot more fresh fruits and veggies and staying away from soda and junk food. Too bad my fridge leaks... I have to have my water ice cold!! Oops gotta run, Monkey is happily chewing on a leaf... What a silly baby!

Day 6

~Approx 0830

So I am sitting here waiting at my local I.D card place to my flashy new brown military I.D. That will make it official. Not that its not official now, but it will really be in black and white for me, or should I say brown and white. I attempted to come here yesterday, but had my first public meltdown. I arrived about 8 min past closing (3 pm who knew??) And it was something I needed to get down asap. Hubby asked me to do this, and I felt like a failure I couldn't get it done right when he asked. I had both kids with me and Monkey was a bit cranky bc of her teeth, and Peanut was just not listening. She was running around when I told her to stay with me, we are on a military base gosh darn it!! But just as I suspected, she's acting out bc of hubby being gone. Its going to prove to be the toughest challenge yet. So there I am with all my required papers and have lugged in both girls and diaper bag, and the door is locked. I check the time and sure enough its 8 min past 3. Why me?? Why now?? I was upset about disappointing hubby, upset at the behavior of my oldest, upset at myself for not moving a little faster. It all hit me at once and I started crying in the lobby. Guess these emotions are getting away with me.

~Sometime hours later....

I am dog tired. We spent the day at the lake. I had a good time. It was nice to get out in the sun. Compared to the nasty cold wet New England weather we have been having, this was a blessing!!!! Unfortunately now I have a new worry... My tires! I just noticed while driving to the grocery store, a sound that sounded like a flat tire. So I pull over and check it out. Well it looks as if my front passenger tire is almost completely bald and needs air. And the front driver is slightly bald, but def not as bad as the passenger. Let's hope he gets paid soon and I can buy some new ones, if not this army wife will have some very bored little girls and empty cabinets.

I must confess... I am automobile challenged, BUT I wish I was a motor head!!! I love cars, to hear the engine roar under the hood, feel the power beneath my foot. Its just sooo nice!! But sadly I know pretty little about cars. I kinda know how to change the oil, I can pump gas, I can put air in my tires, thoroughly clean the inside. But I wish I could do more. Actually I have never changed a tire!! I have no clue how to!! So here it goes, I vow to learn how to change a tire before hubby comes back. Who's gonna hold me to it??

Day 5

Well here I am, awake, not dressed, my hair is a mess, I need a shower, I have mascara streaked down my face and I have no appetite. But the good news is the kids are fed and happy, Monkey went down for a nap ( 30 min so far can you believe it??!!) and Peanut has learned to pray to God for her daddy to be safe and come home soon. She does it like 10 times a day. It's so cute. Monkey started saying "dada" yesterday. I cant get over it. I am in love with it!! And she knows what dada is because shes looks at my phone (background is a pic of the 2 of us before her left) and says "dadadada". Breaks my little heart he wasn't here to hear it first. That's OK though, because I videoed it and sent it off to him. Hopefully he enjoyed it.

Not much on the agenda today. I need food in this house so I think I may venture out to the commissary to get some grub. I now have a mailing address for him, so also need to stop at the post office to get stamps, etc. Thanks to my lovely lady Sherry, yesterday was not so bad! She made us dinner and we took the kids out and let them release their energy. Tomorrow the girls and I will go to the lake with Sherry and my MIL and SILs. Its actually supposed to be nice weather, better then the 5 inches of rain we go on Tues!!! That rain was insane!! Yesterday we had hail and a tornado warning.... Ahh the joys of living in New England.

He called me a little while ago, and gave me a quick update of the dates for his pass, his address and such. It was nice to hear his voice. At the same time though, I don't want to get used to talking to him, because I know once he's in country, the phone calls will be few and far in between. I think the hardest time for me, is the night. After the kids are asleep and I am laying alone in my bed. That's when my mind wonders. I am hoping to start reading again, and maybe that will take my mind off things and I can fall asleep while reading. Keep my mind on a leash if I can. Well I suppose I must get my day going... it is almost noon!

I must confess: I love coupons! (Hubby on the other hand... does not!) Some people may or may not know this. I love to find a good deal to pay nothing or next to nothing for things. Since we have a very limited income coming in for the time being, I need to really stretch a buck. I learned everything from online blogs and websites. I will do a post in the upcoming days to teach you some of what I know. I love helping others save money too!!

Day 4- Hes gone :-(

So today has been the hardest so far. I dropped him off approx 6 o'clock this morning. I was a basket case all night and into the wee hours of the morning. I haven't slept very well. I think what hurts me the most is that we never talked it all out, we never cried it out together. It has been the elephant in the room for months now. Sadly now that it's here, I think the elephant has trampled me. I so badly yearned for him to hold me in his arms and say "It's all going to be OK". Even if he didn't think so, just hearing those words and feeling his strong arms around me, would make me feel so much better. So all the times I teared up and wanted to let loose and cry and he pushed me away, was just the mice under the elephant that has trampled me. Hopefully all will go well with training and he will get his 4 day pass. *Keep fingers crossed* I have a surprise up my sleeve, but cannot share with you because a certain someone may be reading this (I love you Joe!!!). Well my faithful followers, the time is now 2230 and I have been up since 0315. I must sleep before another wave of tears come, or monkey wakes up.

Day 3- The Ceremony

So today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I did cry just a lil bit, but Monkey wasn't in a very good mood so I missed a bit of the speaches. I think she can sense something. She knows the mood around the house has changed, yet she doesn't understand why. There were a lot of little ones there today... I can only imagine what is going through their little heads. One day daddy or mommy is with them, the next and the next day they are not. They say babies are resilient, but I wonder. Monkey is very much a daddy's girl and there are many times when she wants him and him alone. She can spot him from across the house, pinpoint his voice from a crowded room. Since in utero she has known and loved her daddy. They would spend countless nights playing kick poke back and forth. It was amusing until her kicks felt more like body slams. I have so many beautiful pictures of hubby and the girls, not so much all three together, but def awesome ones of each separate. Sadly as I go through my photos, I don't have any good family photos of the four of us, only the three of us. Even worse, I don't have many pics of just the two of us, and those that I do have are old and not very good looking to say the least. Here's to hoping training goes well and he will get his 4 day pass and we can get some decent family pics done. Anyone know of a photographer looking for practice people? Anyway, today's entry is short, as I need to spend as much quality time with him for the next 7 hours that I can.

No confession today!

Day 2, Late Night

Words... They have power in all shapes and forms. When spoken, some take them to heart, some weren't even listening in the first place. When spoken face to face, its a lot easier to interpret the feelings of the speaker. When spoken via phone, most people can tell by tone of voice. But the hardest form of words to interpret is the written word. Whether it be email, text message, or a handwritten letter, the speaker (in this case writer) cannot truly express their feelings. Yes its true, with the right punctuation it does make it easier to understand. Yet we as people (animals do the same) read so much into body language that the average Joe has a harder time understanding what the writer is feeling. And sometimes the reader, reads too much into whatever its is, and quite possibly can be blown way out of proportion.

Oops!! I don't exactly know where I was going with this... I may even need to enlist the help of my GPS. But I do know that words can make or break a person. So be careful what you say and when. Especially if its written, because when written it can be read over and over again. That can make a persons good day become bad, or a bad day become wonderful.

Another word of advice- My nanny always used to say never go to bed angry. She also had a wall hanging "always kiss me goodnight". Its so very true. I have lost quite a few people in my life, a few of them very unexpectedly. So even though hubby and I had a little tiff this evening, (and yes I am aware that I am taking it a little too much to heart, but words do hurt!!) I will fold my laundry, hang his uniform for the last time, kiss his cheek and whisper in his ear how proud I am of my American soldier and how much I truly do love him.

**Pardon my rambling... Army Wives got me all emotional and then the lil tiff and a teething baby... I need SLEEP...***

Day 2

So he came home last night and pretty much blacked out. Between waking up early to report and staying up waaaaay too late sat night for his party (think 2am, he had to report at 7, its about 1 hour and 45 min drive and he still had to load the car... You do the math) he's had no sleep. Even tho today was an early start as well, I think he's well rested. I wonder what they are doing today. The girls and I have a pretty uneventful day planned. Going to attempt to tackle some chores while Monkey naps. Those who know me understand what a chore this is, because Monkey is a hardcore cat napper. She takes a 5 to 10 min nap every hour and a half or so. Not a long time in the world of housework. That's OK tho, its not like we are living in filth, just organized chaos.Its a beautiful day today. Let's hope he can get out and get home at a decent time today (no hour long backup on the Pike today hopefully!!) And maybe head out for some ice cream and mini golf?? But I would be just as happy cuddling in bed with some Luigi's Italian Ice and the new episode of Army Wives or Secret Life. I am planning on making Shepard's pie and peanut butter cookies for dinner. Those are a few of his favorite things.

A topic I know I will touch on a lot in this blog, is the behavior of my children. I have noticed today (and have noticed during hubby's AT and MOS school) that Peanut acts out... A LOT! Shes 4.5 years old and very much a daddy's girl. She listens to him oh so well, and me... not so much. She will be starting pre-school this fall, which I am VERY thankful for! She will get out some energy and it will help her learn and prepare for kindergarten. I am hoping we can all keep it together for our sanity, and my voice! Well I am off to set up the kiddie pool for the wee ones!

I must confess... I hate cleaning! I don't mind helping other people out with their homes, but when it comes to mine, forget it. I hate having to go down 2 flights of stairs to do laundry. And I feel as if as soon as I finish cleaning my living room, its messy again!! I know that's what having kids is all about, but I would so much rather spend time with them, then constantly be pushing a broom or wiping windows. So for now, as I said above, I live in a state of organized chaos, and I really don't mind. As long as my girls are happy, healthy, and fed, and hubby knows how much we love him, then my life is complete... for now ;-)

Day 1

So I guess here is the beginning of the hardest year(s) of my life so far. Facing my husbands deployment with two daddy loving little girls. I am prepared physically, being sexually deprived for America's freedom is something I can definitely handle. We have the power of attorney and our wills all completed with the help of the lovely JAG office. I have my list of names and numbers in case of emergency. He's packed and all he needs is more socks that I will send off in a care package or he can buy at the FOB site. Whats that? Mentally prepared you ask?? Me?? NO WAY!! I thought I was. I truly thought I could sail through this with no problem. Stay strong and only cry in my pillow late at night while the girls are sleeping. But now that the time has come, I am starting to doubt myself. He left this morning to load up the stuff and do whatever it is they need to do. Technically this is day 1 of his orders. Day one of more than 365 days. Wow! 365 days... That's the first time I have really said it. Walking around the house today was a bit lonely. The good news is that he comes home tonight. We get to spend 3 more glorious nights together. And let's hope the sheets will stay on the bed ;-) Tuesday is their ceremony. Let's hope I can keep it together for that. A bunch of our family will be there so it will be nice to have the moral support. And good for him to see how much support he has this deployment. Last time he deployed, my best friend, my uncle (aka dad) and I were the only ones there to support him. I think that must have been hard on him (technically Peanut was there but she was a wee little embryo in my belly!). I hope he knows just how much he's loved and how many people will be praying for him. His going away bash was a hit yesterday! I am not sure just how many people showed up, but we raised $100 for the FRG and another $100 for care packages and shipping. Aside from almost running out of booze, and actually running out of plates and forks by the end of the night, we all had a blast and it ran smoothly. If you came and are reading this, thanks for coming!!

I must confess... I hate mother nature!!! I really don't like living in New England (snow and freezing temps are my mortal enemy!). The weather we have been having around here has been awful!!! We had wanted to do so many things in the weeks before he left, but due to mother natures cruelty, we didn't get to do them! Rain, rain, rain EVERYDAY!! And not only that but July 1 it was still only 60 degrees!!! And here I sit outside with Peanut, on his first day of deployment, and its sunny and warm with only a few wisps of clouds in the sky. Turns out much of the week will be like this, yay its warmer, BOO that is wasn't while he was home to enjoy it with us.