Friday, October 9, 2009

No sugar coating here

Little Edit: I LOVE my husband, I LOVE my kids, please dont take anything the wrong way. I wouldnt change anything for the world, they are my life. But I am in a sad and confusing time right now. And this is truely how I feel . Dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all.

I know what's been bugging me so much lately. I am home all day and I take care of 2 little people that need me to do stuff for them. Then I have a husband who needs stuff so I have to be on top of what I need to send him and be there when he needs a shoulder to vent to. Then there's my uncle who has expectations for me that I try to fulfill (although I don't think I will ever be able to). At the end of every day, I feel so drained and worn down that there is nothing left inside me except frustration, anger, and deep down to the bone sadness.

I am an invisible entity to those around me. My sole purpose in this life is what they need from me and heaven help me if I don't perform. Well guess what? I'm, I'm sick and tired. Would a thank you kill them? (I say them, even though I refer to mainly one in particular… the one that’s actually HERE stateside) Would a small gesture of hey I appreciate you be too much for them to muster up? I don't want to be invisible anymore. I want someone to notice and to care not because I'm upset, but because they honestly can look into my eyes and know I need it. I would love a letter right now filled with anything remotely sounding like he cared. Even a sentence or two. Anything, because I'm starving for some sort of affection right now and to know that I really do matter to someone.

I can briefly see it in my little girls, they way they love me. But sometimes, on the bad days with Peanut (and there are a lot of those) it almost feels like she blames me for what is happening. Now she has never come out and actually said this, but as her mother I am so in tuned to her, I can feel it. I wish I could erase the bad days. I wish they would end. I wish I could make them better for her, easier to handle in her own little mind. I am just fortunate that I don’t have to deal with this deployment with two lil ones her age. But considering I think hes going to be a lifer, this is prob not going to be my last deployment. Hopefully this will give me the knowledge and understanding I need to handle it again.

I must confess: After I reread this post, I almost erased it. But then I thought to myself, this is a deployment, this IS how I am feeling. No reason to sugar coat it.

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