No sugar coating here

Little Edit: I LOVE my husband, I LOVE my kids, please dont take anything the wrong way. I wouldnt change anything for the world, they are my life. But I am in a sad and confusing time right now. And this is truely how I feel . Dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all.


I know what's been bugging me so much lately. I am home all day and I take care of 2 little people that need me to do stuff for them. Then I have a husband who needs stuff so I have to be on top of what I need to send him and be there when he needs a shoulder to vent to. Then there's my uncle who has expectations for me that I try to fulfill (although I don't think I will ever be able to). At the end of every day, I feel so drained and worn down that there is nothing left inside me except frustration, anger, and deep down to the bone sadness.

I am an invisible entity to those around me. My sole purpose in this life is what they need from me and heaven help me if I don't perform. Well guess what? I'm tired....no, I'm sick and tired. Would a thank you kill them? (I say them, even though I refer to mainly one in particular… the one that’s actually HERE stateside) Would a small gesture of hey I appreciate you be too much for them to muster up? I don't want to be invisible anymore. I want someone to notice and to care not because I'm upset, but because they honestly can look into my eyes and know I need it. I would love a letter right now filled with anything remotely sounding like he cared. Even a sentence or two. Anything, because I'm starving for some sort of affection right now and to know that I really do matter to someone.

I can briefly see it in my little girls, they way they love me. But sometimes, on the bad days with Peanut (and there are a lot of those) it almost feels like she blames me for what is happening. Now she has never come out and actually said this, but as her mother I am so in tuned to her, I can feel it. I wish I could erase the bad days. I wish they would end. I wish I could make them better for her, easier to handle in her own little mind. I am just fortunate that I don’t have to deal with this deployment with two lil ones her age. But considering I think hes going to be a lifer, this is prob not going to be my last deployment. Hopefully this will give me the knowledge and understanding I need to handle it again.

I must confess: After I reread this post, I almost erased it. But then I thought to myself, this is a deployment, this IS how I am feeling. No reason to sugar coat it.

Day 8- & Day 9- Peanuts accident

Wow! What a doozy the past few days have been!! Only a few minutes after ending my last blog entry (Monkey eating the leaf) was when Peanuts accident occured. She was going down the slide and somehow fell off the side. She said "Mommy watch me!", and the next thing I kno I turn my head to look and shes on the ground. At first I'm like, OK she fell, shes prob fine. I say "Peanut are you ok??!!" and I rush to get up to her. She says "Mommy I hurt myself." And starts to cry a bit. As I get closer I see the damage. Shes broken her arm!!! All these emotions come flooding to me! I FREAK. I run in the house and scream for my dad, grab my diaper bag and keys and fly to my car. I frantically call hubby's mom (who gets to my house in a record two min flat!) and I call hubby and leave him a frantic voicemail. I am pretty much hyperventilating. I could barely breathe. Then I gain my composure and hubbys mom comes and gets me and Peanut and we rush off to the ER. Monkey stays home with my dad and my SIL. We get to the ER and go to check in, now MIL has been through this all before with my SIL a few times, she knows the routine and this def looked like a bad break!) I tell the guy my four year old has broken her arm, and he says "Oh, so she has arm pain." I'm like "NO! You can visably see its broken!" He's like " Have a seat and we will get to you". It took about 15 or more minutes for them to call her to be assessed and get our info. I was pissed. Shes 4 and shes in pain!! Soon enough they called us into xray and then into a room. We get the reults back, and yes, its a very bad break. Thankfully not near the growth plate. BUT unfortunatly shes so young and so small, that the ortho docs at my hospital won't touch her. So we were transferred by ambulance to Childrens Hospital Boston. We sat around in a room there for awhile, and they told me they were going to do more xrays to see if anything else was broken, and they would sedate her and try to get in place as best as they could, but she might need rods. I was soo upset, I felt soo bad for her!! She was such a trooper, such a big girl. So they gave her more morpheine and did the xrays. We were transferred to the procedure room and they gave her the medicine to put her to sleep. That was one of the hardest things I have been through as a parent. I wasnt allowed in the room while they were setting her arm, but thats ok because I probably wouldnt have been able to stand it. It was hard enough thinking about it, never mind seeing it. After about an hour she came to, but didnt really awaken, because it was around 3am. We were all soo tired. My dad came out to the hospital so I wouldnt be alone and we could have a ride home. We were discharged around 4am. So all in all we were at a hoapital from around 7pm till 4am. It was a very long night.

Peanut feeling a bit better thanks to her friend T3. Proudly showing off her daddy doll!!!

This is her bone with the cast on after they set it. Doesnt look too great but its straight. We will see how it looks soon!

To be continued.....